Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The End is Nigh...

Don't say you weren't warned...

Spring is finally here -- but apparently, the apocalypse will be fast on its trail. That's the word from a slight but outspoken group of spiritual devotees who believe that the world as we know it is coming to an end.

Maybe you've already encountered the literature: pamphlets, subway ads, billboards on the side of the highway. "Judgment Day is coming" reads one billboard, which features a man praying in silhouette against a sunset backdrop. These are the works of a peculiar breed of Christian activists who've taken to the road to preach their belief in the fast-approaching End of Days. The self-appointed harbingers are not tied to any particular church -- they claim organized religion has been corrupted by the devil -- but rather to Internet- and radio-based ministries. And their lone mission is to tell anyone and everyone that the end of days is May 21. That's when, they insist, God's true believers will be lifted into heaven and saved, during a biblical event widely referred to as the Rapture.

Which is bunk, of course. It's impossible for the world to end on May 21st. Why? Because I haven't caught a bluefin or a tarpon, and it specifically states in my Contract with Life that regardless of eschatology, the world will not be allowed to end until I catch both a bluefin tuna and a tarpon.

So don't worry, we're all safe, for now. Actually, we're all safe indefinitely, because the chances of me being able to afford to go catch either one are exactly one rung lower than nil. So party on, you can thank me later...

But it does segue nicely into perhaps the most obvious addition yet to Mallard's Infinite Playlist...


  1. Thanks for the warning. As an agnostic, I pray this part is true, at least for this particular brand of believer: "true believers will be lifted into heaven."

  2. Those damned May 21 billboards are up all over the Oakland area. Sort of funny that an organization of atheists has started putting up counter-signs.

    Ahhh... people.

  3. Oh for f***s sake, can't we schedule the end of days BEFORE my summer break???

  4. The May 22nd party is going to be off the hook. Can't wait. And think of all the leftover soapboxes we can use for the bonfire...