Monday, April 25, 2011

To Whom Can Freethinkers Pray for Rain?

Christians, Muslims and Jews have their God. Buddhists have their spiritual advisor. Wiccans, Celts, Druids, Shintoists, heathens and other animistic and pagan followers have their God(s). But if you're a Texas freethinker then Governor Rick Perry just tossed you a theological sticky wicket...

From Fox News

Gov. Rick Perry, a devout Christian, is calling on all Texans to pray for rain as most of the state battles an extreme and exceptional drought. Perry has proclaimed a three-day period, from Friday to Sunday, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the state. "I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal way of life," he wrote in the proclamation.

So if you're a good, patriotic Texan as well as an atheist, freethinker or other secular-humanist (is that a mutually exclusive condition? I kid, I kid the Texans...) to what or whom are you left to pray? The accuracy of computer climate modeling? The jet stream? The evaporative cycle? The laws of probability?

Incidentally, early this morning while we slept, our little corner of the Great American Desert (21st Century Edition) received its first measurable rainfall for the month of April, a whopping .02 inches of rain. Just enough to dampen all the dust that had collected in the bottom of the rain gauge.

That bears repeating: our first measurable rainfall for the month of April (you know, the "April showers bring May flowers month") came on April 25th. In the past month, we've officially received a grand total of .06 inches of rain (but considerably less at our house), in the past three months a total of .59. Our last rainfall of more than .25 inches came some 163 days ago. Unless we get some good soaking rains interspersed with a few toad-stranglers, the rest of spring is trending grim and summer is starting to look downright terrifying.

The weather this spring has been weird, to say the least. Last week, we had a days-long windstorm that produced (I shit you not) wind gusts of over 70 miles per hour and sustained winds of well over fifty. Depending on where you sit in the theological/secular-humanist/ancient pagan prophecy matrix, the weather's starting to look either biblical, Mayan or human-induced climate-change confirming....

I don't want to start any rancorous debate on the matter, so in the spirit of the times, here's my non-denominational, religion-neutral, spiritually agnostic plea/prayer/sacrifice/reasoned and logical secular request for rain...

Dear Monotheistic Supreme Deity(s), Polytheistic Horned God(s)/Karmic Cycle/ Immutable Laws of Natural Science:

I am sending you this prayer/incense/goat/good thought/scientific theory based on a complex probability algorithm in the hopes that it will persuade you to send rain angels/rain spirits/a slight change in drought-inducing climatological parameters.

We need rain very badly, and as your loyal subject/child/disciple/carbon-based product of the evolutionary process I am pleading with you to hear my prayers/accept my offering/confirm my hypothesis.

Amen/Shalom/All Hail the Divine Moon Goddess/Empirically yours,

Chad Love


  1. Ever think about an old-fashioned rain dance? Of course the timing of a rain dance has a great deal to do with its success.

  2. The only god who can help is Tlaloc. I am building him a shrine down by the creek.

  3. I am herby offing to be the sponsor of Chads rain dance, as soon as the video hit yotube I'm good for $10