Friday, August 29, 2014

More First Laws



A while back, I put forth Chad's First Law of American Wilderness. It went something like this:

No matter how far off the beaten path you think you've trod, no matter how deep into the wilderness you think you've ventured, no matter how bold or adventurous you think you are, no matter how isolated, lonely or rugged the country, and no matter how arduous or lengthy the journey may have been, there will always, always be someone who has been there before you. With a beer in their hand. Because that's the American Way.

Here are a few more Chad's First Laws. I call them Chad's First Laws of Unknown Creatures*...

Snakes seen around water are always "water moccasins."

Snakes seen anywhere else are always copperheads or rattlesnakes.

Snakes seen anywhere at any time are always poisonous, and should be killed.

Turtles seen around water are always "snapping turtles." (corollary to this law is that all snapping turtles are also "alligator snapping turtles.")

Turtles seen on land are always "snapping turtles." Or maybe terrapins.

All spiders everywhere, are "fiddlebacks." All of them.

All birds of prey everywhere are "chickenhawks." All of them.

All gar everywhere are "alligator" gar. All of them.

All songbirds, regardless of species, are always just, you know, "birds." All of them.

All ducks, regardless of species, are see above.

Any pronghorn seen in a national park is always "a deer."

Any deer seen in a national park is always "an elk."

Any elk seen in a national park is always "a moose."

Any moose seen in a national park is always "a moose."

Any buck seen off the side of the road as you rush by at 70mph, or caught in the headlights crossing the road in front of you in the dead of night, is, regardless of actual size, always a trophy, "easily a 150-class deer, man. Sumbitch was huge!"

Any unidentified mammal seen off the side of the road as you rush by at 70mph, or caught in the headlights crossing the road in front of you in the dead of night, or seen at the edge of the your backyard while you're sitting on your back porch drinking beer, is always "a goddamned mountain lion, man. I swear, that was a by-gawd mountion lion! Saw it clear as day!"

Any unidentified mammal seen off the side of the road as you rush by at 70mph, or caught in the headlights crossing the road in front of you in the dead of night, or seen at the edge of your back yard while you're sitting on your back porch drinking beer that is not positively identified as "a goddamned mountain lion!" is, of course, a black panther.

All other unidentified mammals are Bigfoot.

All unknown animal sounds heard in the dead of night are mountain lions, black panthers, or Bigfoot. All of them.

* I should be clear that these are not laws I follow, but laws generally followed by morons. 


 

8 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Likewise, man. You know I'm a hopeless anglophile...

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  2. Chad: I think this is genius as hell. I got a hearty laugh. Thanks!

    P.S. David Roberts returned to Grist.org today. He's everything Herring and Marshall could be if the editrixes at F&S would unleash them (or so it is rumored around these parts).

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    Replies
    1. I saw that, CG. I enjoy his stuff.

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    2. BTW, keep giving the dolts hell on the conservation blog...

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  3. I should have been working today but instead I dicked around with the dinks at The Conservationist. And right when I was ready to turn off the internet to get some discovery out the door, I saw a genius post appear over there. A genius post written by someone with a seriously acerbic wit and a familiar writing style. I took some time to read all of that person's posts, and I thought I'd come by here and tell Mr. Creosote how much I freaking loved his stuff. You know, in case he ever happens by here.

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  4. Yeah, that Creosote guy is a bit unhinged. Sometimes I think the dude is just playing devil's advocate because he's bored and sometimes I think he's actually serious. Hard to tell. He hasn't shown up here, at least that I know of, but if he did I'm guessing he'd use an alias.

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