Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Slushpile Hell: worth a look...

What do you do when you're a literary agent and you get frustrated with all the so-bad-they're-good queries you receive from the throngs of hopeful - if sublimely delusional - authors out there?

Well, if you're this literary agent you start a blog highlighting a few of the more memorable gems. Slushpile Hell, indeed.

Ironically, right now I'm working on a non-fiction book proposal (any high-to-medium-powered literary agents out there who might care to give me some tips, please, feel free...) so I'm actually gleaning some valuable tips from this site.

Some of my favorites... (italics are the agent's response)

"I’d like you to consider representing my fictional novel."

Oh, whew. For a second there I thought you were going to ask me to represent your nonfictional novel. For some reason those are performing really poorly in the market today

"I want an agent who’s confident to get me a 7 figure book deal or high 6 figure deal, not some bull crap deal."

Funny, that’s exactly what I say to editors when I send them a proposal. Works every time.

"Hi. Are you a visionary agent who wants to take the stagnant fiction literary marketplace to new heights?"

No. Not really.

"Hello. I’ve queried more than 50 other agents with this and have gotten nowhere. Now I’m querying you."

You had me at hello.

"Do you ever get the feeling that we are all machines being controlled by someone or something beyond our control?"

Katie Holmes, I’m just a literary agent. I can’t help you with your husband issues.

And my personal favorite (so far)...

"Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth."

Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.

3 comments:

  1. "I want an agent who’s confident to get me a 7 figure book deal or high 6 figure deal, not some bull crap deal."

    Yeah. That one. How come I never thought of that?

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  2. Wow, those are awesome. Great idea for a blog, too...

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  3. I think I'm gonna pee my pants, Chad.

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