Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Never-ending absurdity: Ignorance as Art...

Yes, I know the photo doesn't have anything at all to do with the blog post, but isn't that a damn fine-lookin' pair of chessies?


I started writing for pay back in 1996 when I called an editor at a local newspaper to inquire about the fate of the paper's outdoors columnist.
Obviously possessing a keen talent for judging writing prowess based on a caller's voice (and needing a warm body in the position) the editor replied, "He left. You want the job?"
I was a senior at the University of Oklahoma at the time, majoring in public administration (I'm still not quite sure why) with minors in happy hour draws and skipping class to hunt and fish.
Thrilled at seeing my words in print and realizing that a life in low-level city management probably wasn't going to work out so well for me, I took the obligatory vow of lifelong poverty and started my writing career in earnest.
Over the years I honed the essential skills every small-market daily beat reporter needs, namely a burning desire to quit my job as quickly as possible in order to go somewhere else and write about anything other than crimes involving livestock, the Rotary Club, local quilting-contest winners and the weekly minutes of the Daughters of the American Revolution.
In 2000, tired of dodging angry common-law housewives seeking retribution on "that sumbitch" who published their husbands' names in the public records section, I decided to try full-time freelancing.
But I have to admit I sometimes miss the weirdness that goes with daily journalism. The crazy story suggestions ("Yeah, you the reporter? Hey, I know a woman who raised a one-legged rooster in her bathtub and it eats ice cream and pizza. I think it'd make a cool story") or the angry story subjects who regularly stormed into the newspaper office
("Are you that sumbitch who wrote the story about me attacking my brother with a sword? Well, it wasn't no gawddamned sword. It was a knife, and I'm gonna sue yore ass for slander! I'll own this paper! Whaddya think 'a that?"
"Well, sir, I think the correct legal term would be libel. You'll need to know the difference when you take ownership…")
The squalor, desperation and overarching sadness of covering the small-town cops and courts beat could grind on you, but every now and then you came across a true comedic gem, usually while looking through the case files of the stories you were covering.

Here, for your reading pleasure, transcribed verbatim, is one such piece of writing, an indignant letter to the DA's office from a woman involved in a domestic dispute case.

It's utterly brilliant. I always considered the Nigerian 419 scam letters the epitome of unintentionally hilarious writing, but this lady demonstrates that good, old-fashioned 'Murkin semi-literacy combined with a few beers and a legal term or two picked up from "Law and Order" re-runs can create art of the highest order…

State of Oklahoma

Case # CM-XX-XX

First of all, I'm appealing this case which is my right. Which I proclaim my right to decline, to the plead bargain.

On this day of XXX I request that a appeal be made on my behalf. I as an US citizen, has a right to request that the legal procedure was not carried out in a unique matter. I felt I was a victim of a target (as a bullseye).
That's discrimination on my behalf.
The point is, that they took it in their own hands to further apprenhand me. Now which they procedure to do so. This all happened at XXX Street. This where the incident occurred. I had said all there was to be said. But on the behalf of the XXX police Dept. they went on a safari hunt like they didn’t have nothing to do, except for disturbing my piece of mind.
I had at that time and before had realized I had disturbed Bobby's frame of mind, which that man has disturbed my frame of mind beyond recognition!
Back to the vacant trailer at XXX St. where I knocked on the door, no one answered. I then turned the doorknob and entered the premises like many times before. Which happen to be personal friend of mine (there is a lot of personal details) but the XXX police officers had assumed their position in the matter.
First off, one of the officers stuck his head through the hole in the bedroom, which used to be a window but was no more. He yelled through the open hole in the wall "you better open the door right now" which I did respond to his request. Which resulted in me answering the door to the police officers request.
I then proceed to open the door. He then told me I was under arrest. I then asked him on what grounds? He said public intoxication. I then ask him what for? I then told him I had left the premises, that I was not trying to cause any trouble and that I would not be loud any more and that I was very sorry for doing it!!!
He then proceeded to tell me I was under arrest, which I then ask him if he had obtained a search warrant, which he did not have in his procession.
I then got fed up and felt my rights were being validated. I then slammed the door in his faced. And all of a sudden a few moments later the door came crashing down. And they dragged me out of the trailer, by total force!!!
In my opinion you can't come on private property without permission by the owner, the Officers must have thought they were God's creation!
Another point is, if these police officers would have been in a God's frame of mind they wouldn't have knocked down the door in the first place! If they sincerely had attended the police academy they would have been able to apprehended me without kicking down the door. They could have crawled through the window instead.
I've always been told to earn your job, earn your keep. Which in my opinion they did not do. Yes I did break the law, but they should have a little more respect within their selves, which they didn't. The whole ballgame is and was a fluke.

P.S. Call all the people involved to the witness stand and make them swear under oath. This is a correct and true statement. If you want further details, ask me.

P.S. I would like to request this whole matter be dropped, cause there was no intentional harm meant. If you need further statements ask the witness and go from there.

Have a nice day!
Your Frind


  1. That is a fine looking pair of Chessies, indeed!

    Funny how often those who find themselves on the wrong side of the law tend to focus more on how they feel they've been done wrong than on the means by which they got into their situation.