Friday, January 27, 2012

A Modest Gun Review...

Of all the guns I saw and handled at SHOT, nothing - and I mean nothing - could top the new Mossberg 464 SPX for sheer, unvarnished aesthetic awfulness. The sight of it - quite literally - stopped me in my tracks (in the bad, very bad form of that cliche). I just stood there staring at what Mossberg had wrought as the flow of the crowd parted around me. I didn't dare take a picture of it for fear the image might corrupt my camera's CF card like some ugly virus.

Move over, Stoeger Double Defence, now there's something hideouser. And if you love classic leverguns, you may want to avert your eyes now...


Yes, that's the sound of your retinas burning. Have you ever seen anything so putrid? How far, I ask, can the gunmaker's once-proud art be debased with something so thoroughly contrived, so overwhelmingly stupid?

And the real pisser is, it sort of...intrigues me.

Kind of like that one time at a long-ago party, the one where I suddenly noticed that rather weird-looking girl staring at me from across the smoky room. I didn't think she was particularly attractive in the conventional sense. I knew she wasn't anything even remotely my type, and I obviously wasn't hers, but before either of us knew what had happened...Bam! There we were, eight sweaty hours later, locked together in tantric bliss on top of a tall mesa, not remembering why or how we had ended up there, completely spent physically and spiritually following a wild, reckless night of sloppy, wanton, utterly feral love-making. And as we watched the sun slowly rise over the flaming ochre cliffs far below and the peyote-specked drool dripped down our slack jaws to pool in the dust at our feet, we slowly, slowly, began to come back from our acid trip to somewhere beyond the Crab Nebula. But as the sun rose ever-higher and daylight revealed the harsh reality of what had been just a few hours before, in the soft, velvety cloak of night, so alluringly exotic and mysterious, we looked at each other in horror and suddenly realized the terrible mistake we'd made. I turned away, got sick all over myself and then ran screaming in the opposite direction, never to speak or even think about that awful, inexplicable, anomalous evening ever again.*

Yeah, the attraction's kinda like that. Weird, huh?

* No, this evening never actually occurred, damn it... 

11 comments:

  1. That's some funny stuff. What's the deal with everything going all Terminator/urban assault/looks-like-it-ought-to-be-banned-but-isn't? Somehow I can't see handing a gun like this down to the next several generations. On the other hand, a ten year old probably thinks it's one bad mofo.

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    1. I kinda dig it. I guess a big part of the appeal of lever actions is that whole traditional, nostalgia market. But I dig the tacticool, rails for all your gadgets, adjustable stock to set it up for your size, etc. look. I'd be more inclined to get this than a regular old lever gun.

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  2. Shudder, I've flirted with Tacticool more than most (but less than Exploriment) and 'Nah mate not even with yours'
    SBW

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    1. Come on....you want to be tacticool like all the tacticool kids don't you?

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  3. If only we could a banana clip in there, then we'd be talking.

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  4. No aftermarket trip from hell could cobble together a more strangely compelling, though unappetizing heater...Phil

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  5. Like I posted at the Hog Blog, this (plus the AR 12 gauge) has got to mean that the M-16 fad has jumped the shark, right?

    Right?

    Gary, it would have to be two banana clips electrical-taped together.

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  6. But if you live in a jurisdiction that isn't very carbine friendly, this presents an option. It allows you to set the stock up for your length of pull, you can mount a flashlight and an Aimpoint. Might not be pretty, but if it allows you to defend the homestead...

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  7. Now I come from a militantly libertarian area, and now live in a famously socially liberal city, so I'd like to think that I'm open minded about most folks choices I might not care to partake in. But whatever whore for the anti-christ spawned this unholy lovechild should spend the rest of their lives repenting what they have done.

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  8. It's not a shotgun, it's a "system"! (Were we at the same reception?)

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  9. I was with you 'til the disclaimer, Chad.

    But I know what you mean about that hideosity of a rifle. I wanted to think it was kinda cool, in an ugly, hog-catching, pit bull sort of way... but it wasn't. Yet, for days after SHOT, it is still the image that stuck in my mind.

    Weird.

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